Truth-revelations

Here is a great website with some very thought-provoking ideas. Please get past the occasional typo and spelling error, because it is a great site nonetheless, with some great ideas and a nice simple way of stating some plain truths, and well worth spending a few hours reading some of the articles.

Truth-revelations

In other news, just briefly, I am going to Australia in a few weeks! Can't wait.. It will be great to go somewhere I have always wanted to go, and meet up with some old childhood friends there.

Life is good, I am happy, and allowing myself to free-fall into a whole other zone. Dropping out of the social sphere for a while has really done me good.

Love to you all, and have a great 2010!

Silence

I am still here, doing great, and wanted to say a little something about why I haven't been updating recently.

I have realized (or, more like, had to be shown) that what Adi Da described as 'social face' is a real limitation on allowing my spiritual practice to deepen, at least at this particular moment in my life. And I'm currently in a very interesting process of rediscovering what it's like to drop out of 'mindiness', which is generally speaking, more male-oriented, and into feeling, which is more female-oriented, Shiva-Shakti. Consciousness and energy.
I have also asked a number of my closer male friends to back off a little, and explained the reasons why. I am needing to become a woman. That's been hard for some of my guy friends to understand, (because they're mind-oriented, and think about it, rather than feel it), but I ask that you do me that favour please.
I just need to assert that need I have, a little more.

I will possibly get back into blogging a bit more again at some point, and I'm sure I will be here once in a while, but it doesn't serve me to be so 'social' at the moment, just because it fits my pattern of ego, to be superficial and non-feeling, and draws me into mind. Practice isn't about mind, it's about feeling, and that has become very clear. Particularly for me.

Since I have stepped back a little, there has been a big shift in my level of sensitivity, receptivity, and practice, and I plan to really embrace that, and move into a deeper place, honour my beloved Guru, rather than just stay socially on the surface of things, as has always been my tendency.

Send me an email, instead. Or, give me a call. :-)
But I won't be on here just wittering away about nonsense like I have for so long. I know that upsets some people that don't understand, but I hope most people will. It's nothing personal. I am still very happy to talk one on one with my friends and family.

People don't generally like awkward silences, do they? People will do anything to fill that Silence with some noise, but I need the Silence at the moment.

So much love for everybody... That is still there.

Home.

Made it back safely from a great weekend in Las Vegas.

There are a few photos posted here.

Best of all, I think, was the bird-feeding! They got almost an entire croissant. I had a lot of fun, being covered in birds, almost literally. Cutest was the little guy on my shoelace, which I didn't get a shot of. I was too busy to take photos.

Robert made it out of almost all the casinos we went into ahead, which was great. I think the Mirage took him for about $20. He paid for all his meals, taxi, coffees, etc, and was about $200 up at the end of the weekend.

Las Vegas has redeemed itself. Last time I had a crap time there. This time was much more fun. Santana was amazing.

Got back last night to 48 degrees and rain, but that's ok, because there was the cat, waiting. She's worth the sacrifice of sun and warmth.

Something to be Thankful for, a 3 day work week this week... ;-)

Aleister Crowley And The Aeon of Horus

I have to post a something on one of the best books on Aleister Crowley that has ever come out ... If not the best.

Paul Weston's Aleister Crowley and the Aeon of Horus.
Not that I am biased or anything, but, seriously.. It is.

I have read odd chapters here and there, and had many a discussion with Paul in the process. And I've read my share of books on Uncle Aleister, and this is awesome, and magickal, and unique and completely well researched and a million other cool things I could say about it.

Can't WAIT to get my copy.... Will be watching my mail box avidly soon.

Publishing date is December 6th. I will be posting other shameless publicity about it here then, I'm sure.

Vegas

I am going to Vegas this weekend...

I realized, wow, that's this weekend... As in about 2 days time. I am feeling a little unprepared, unpacked, unorganized, and not sure what to take.

Should be a lot of fun though, there are about 10 of us going, and last time I was there was with my in laws, after a bus tour of the SW for 10 days. I was overwhelmed by Vegas, after 10 days in the desert! Now, I'm just going to be looking forward to a 3 day weekend in the sun with some of my best friends.. :-)

We're going to see Santana, which I can't wait for!

Cheech

Cheech Marrero passed away yesterday afternoon. He was a great man, and a dear friend, and much loved by everybody in Adidam. I was lucky enough to get to know him a few years ago, when he lived in Seattle for a while. Robert and I kidnapped him one afternoon, and took him to the beach, it was a lot of fun, we got to hear some wild stories from the early days in Adi Da's company. He was one of his very first students.

Cheech was writing a book about his life, I hope it got finished, he has a remarkable story to tell.

Veterans Day.

A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death.

- Martin Luther King Jr.

I was brought up in a family that was devastated by loss after WW2, as were most families in Britain, and still, 4 or 5 generations later, that hurt affects things. Take a drive one day, through villages and towns, and look at the countless memorial stones with countless names. There are often multiple names from the same family listed there.
My great gran never got over the loss of her son, he was on board an aircraft carrier which was sunk, and it sent her over the edge. She then passed on to her other children and her grandchildren who grew up in the house with her, her massive sadness, depression, fear, grief, anger, isolation, one of whom was so affected by her grandmother's sadness, that learned to raise her own child that same way, and so it goes on. With no conscious acknowledgment, or desire for healing, I can see how these things run like dominoes through 7 generations.
My desire as a 'pacifist' is not only to not create casualties in war directly, but to put an end to the perpetuation of the effects of one war, almost 70 years later.

I am grateful to all those brave warriors who died, but also angry about the legacy left behind them.

Lions, Tigers and Bears! Oh My!

I remembered I was sent an email a while ago by a friend who has posted a lot of Adi Da's talks on line for sharing, for free. Click here to check them out if you're interested. There's some great stuff posted!

I saw the Wizard of Oz on Saturday night, the newly remastered one for Blu-Ray. It's awesome. Blu-ray is unbelievable.. I think I'll have to splash out and get one. I always thought it didn't matter, as my eyes aren't very high definition, but wow, what a difference!!! Totally amazing. And those Munchkins and flying monkeys are no less scary in hi-def...

That lion is so hilariously gay. Don't tell me he'd rather be a King than a Queen.

I spent Friday night with my head in the toilet, puking up a lifetime of fear, but that's another story. It's amazing what happens when you find the courage to let go. My whole body was flooded with light afterwards.
"I'd rather be a lion than a mowess..." The Wizard gave me a stomach and some courage to face life, finally.

Criminal?

Let's think about this for a moment...

From CNN today.

"In California, according to the Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice, crime arrest rates have generally plummeted statewide from 1990 to 2008 by an average of 40 percent. Drug possession arrests for everything but marijuana collectively fell by nearly 30 percent. But during that same 18-year period, arrests for marijuana possession in California skyrocketed 127 percent."

So, does that mean that people who were out committing violent or 'hard' drug related crimes 20 years ago, are now sitting around giggling, getting the munchies and watching TV instead? Is that a bad thing?
Personally, I don't think so...

Jayanthi

It's Adi Da's 70th birthday today, and what a year it's been since he left the body.. SO much energy released from that body, into our lives. So much growth. So much change. Like Hiroshima, the sideways blast has destroyed so much ego in it's wake.

Robert and I left the community back in May, under our Beloved's instruction, not through any sense of argument with them. And I stress that point. It was a hard choice to make, to leave behind so many friends, and risk so much, and now we have a life that allows us to feel His presence in our lives more intimately and strongly than ever. We have had to have been willing to open up, let our nice comfy lives be interfered with, our pattern of what Adi Da called the 'cult of pairs' be fucked with, and allowed to be undone.
We have both undergone such immense growth, and all of it purely an act of Grace. Nothing 'deserved' or earned, for sure... But completely embraced and appreciated. Even if we've fought and screamed long the way at times, freaked out, got scared, done some terrible things, even, that pattern has been allowed to dissolve, until what is left is true heart-intimacy, love, trust, Grace.

What has become clear to me, is that Adi Da didn't say one single word of his entire teaching in the least bit casually, and meant it all completely literally. 'Self-authenticating' is an expression He used a lot.

This year has been painful, beautiful, intense, difficult, scary, sad, wonderful, profound, extraordinary, but most of all, a huge leap of faith into the Mystery, only to find Him still here, as Love Itself, more present than ever, right where He has always been. Right where He always said He was.

Happy Birthday, my Beloved Heart Master.

May You be Pleased to take Your seat in my heart at all times.

Shoes

I am here... Feeling a bit quiet again today, but I wanted to share that I found some shoes. Not sure they're 'the ones', but for now, they seem comfy enough. Not sure I can walk home in them, but for a day at the office, they will probably work.

Seems like small potatoes, but it's really an issue for me, finding good shoes. I have fussy feet that don't get comfy in about 99.99999999% of the shoes I try on. Buying shoes is always an ordeal. Thankfully Nordstroms will let me take 'em back, even once I've worn them outside. Phew! That takes the pressure off. Especially at $90.

Weirdly, sometimes the $20 shoes from Payless are more comfy than most of the 'comfort' shoes I try on, that like to do clever things with super-techy arch supports. I have flat feet, and they always hurt like hell. Cheap shoes are usually way better.

Anyway, we had a lovely dinner last night with our friends J & S, that we haven't seen in way too long!

I got the sad news last night that another friend only has days to live, too. That's too many people died lately. Dogs, friends, uncles, bosses' sisters, etc. Can you all stop dying for a while, and give this heart a break from it all? Thanks...

Shara

I love this photo of my Girl so much, I had to share it here. She sits like that a lot, with her arms folded, it's precious! :-)

I stayed at Robert's last night, hoping she was going to sleep with me, I don't think she figured out I was still there, it was sad. I came downstairs this morning, and she sounded like Charlie's Cat, it was hilarious.
I think she said "Wow, good morning, I didn't know you were still here, or I'd have come up and bugged you for breakfast at 4am." That was about how many syllables she said. Totally made me laugh.

Fierce Grace

Watched a great movie last night, Ram Das's Fierce Grace. It's all about his life after his stroke, and there is also some great footage of him in the 60's and 70's, and his family biography is really interesting.
I thought the best part of it was in the special features, right at the end, where he says that mind makes all our perceptions. Kind of obvious, but a very important point.

What was also a powerful moment for me was right at the start, he said that when he was having the stroke, he didn't turn to God, and that taught him a great lesson about how 'spiritual' he really was, and how much more work he needed to do!
So much ego that can fool us into thinking we are special and 'spiritual', but I guess that's the real test, isn't it? I'm glad I didn't have to face physical death to find that one out.. I had my own version of that this summer.

Very sweet movie, I recommend it. Watch the extra features, too.

Shara

Shara is at the vet's. She's been periodically peeing blood, and we've had her on antibiotics for a suspected bladder infection, but today she's in for an ultrasound, to check for kidney stones. My poor kitty. She is sedated and has had her beautiful soft belly shaved, and I am sad...

Robert got her an at-home acupuncture session last week, and that helped her legs and arthritis no end. It was amazing! She was walking almost normally again after that! She will be getting acupuncture at home every 2 weeks now, and she's getting Chinese herbs and regular doses of glucosamine, and Robert bought her an infrared heat lamp for her legs.

Well, seriously, she's our Babe. What else can you do? She probably has better medical care than a lot of people do, sadly for them. There's not much we wouldn't do for our Girl.

Pearl

I had an interesting dream last night, I was walking along outdoors and a huge red tailed hawk flew over me and dropped a tiny fresh water pearl in the grass at my feet. I had to try to find it in the grass, which took a while, then, for the rest of the dream, every time I looked at the pearl in my hand, it got bigger.

Hahaha, then I read this, on one of my favourite blogs, a post about hawks and synchronicity...

I saw my tailless raccoon friend again on the bus stop this morning, just briefly. She crossed the street about half a block up from me and disappeared among the parked cars.

Holy Mountain

I am here, mindless, and bliss-full and not full of many words today at all. Had an ecstatic and sublime weekend, literally.

I do have a movie recommendation, I forget now who it was who it was recommended by, I think it was Klaus? Pointy-Ears? Anyway, I LOVED it, thank you.. :-)

Jodorowsky's "Holy Mountain". Utterly bizarre and beautiful. Not for the squeamish, there was gratuitous chameleon and toad-exploding, and I think what were possibly skinned dogs on sticks, but totally awesome nonetheless. A completely subliminal and not so subliminal plunge into a hot vat of beautifully rich alchemical imagery. Something that would be awesome to watch after taking something mind-altering perhaps... You might never come back though. ;-)

Some of those scenes looked a lot like some of Adi Da's more recent Artwork, particularly the rainbow stuff.

Las Vegas

I am going to Las Vegas in November to see Santana! Staying at the Bellagio. I have a friend who has the means to get cheaper room rates there, so a bunch of us are going down for a long weekend. Well, why not. Life's too short not to. Let's push the boundaries of my reality a little. It's all an illusion anyway, right?

Now begins the shoe-panic. I can't wear my worn out running shoes... I wish my feet were normal, and I could just go into any old shoe shop and buy some nice shoes. Silly, the things I worry about sometimes. But, when you have no shoes, it's a big deal.

Perhaps I can push the boundaries of that reality a little too, and find the perfect shoes for a weekend in Vegas. ;-)

Roger Daltrey

I have been so caught up in work today that I didn't even mention that Robert and I went to see Roger Daltrey at the Showbox last night! It was great. Beats the whole Stadium thing... And Eddie Veder did his almost obligatory appearance for a few songs, too.

Roger says things like 'and that', and 'ah, fuck it' a lot, which makes me miss England all the more. We didn't get the fart down the microphone, or the wild microphone swinging, like we did last time we saw the whole of The Who though. And he is slowly morphing into a blonde Ian McShane, which is really quite strange. But not as strange as Robert Plant morphing into Noddy Holder. That is just plain wrong. Roger still looks pretty good!

He did a few Johnny Cash numbers too, which went down well.

You can always tell you are in Seattle when out at night, when you watch the show on people's blackberries when they hold them up for photos, if you don't have a great view. That and the large number of iced lattes people were drinking through straws, rather than beers. And no dancing. People here just tend to clutch their lattes and iPhones, and stare. Weird.
I remember seeing Joan Osbourne here years ago, and that really freaked her out, she ended up yelling at the audience.

Letting go

I sent my mum an email this morning that I kind of regret sending now, in some ways. I was a little 'straight' with her, and she's not good at receiving that. I can be a little too direct and honest with her. No doubt she will feel all hurt by it, but sometimes, we just need to hear the truth, or even just to say it. Really, I guess it was about my need to say it, rather than her need to hear it. I was as gentle as I could be, but probably, honestly, should not have hit the send button.
That's the trouble with 5,000 miles distance, these things never come across the same way over email as they do in person. And here was I, saying that same thing just a week or so ago, too.

I think I just wanted her to see that I am 37 now, and there is something unhealthy about our relationship that I have let keep me in place all these years, and I am done doing that now. I am taking responsibility for my part in being her victim, and being her victimizer. Ending that cycle of abuse between us. I am not that. That is a part of the lie of ego, the 'who' that I thought I was.

I had dinner with a beloved friend last week, and our conversation was about that in part, her relationship with her own mother, and breaking that hold, and living life as your own person, for yourself, not as your mother's little girl. We both have emotionally 'dominant' mothers. I am done being the little girl.

I will always love my mum, but I can't be the person that is on the other end of the unhealthy part of the dynamic of our relationship any more. I am letting myself have room to grow now. My choice. I need it.
The little girl died, she's gone, and I need to start living the reality of that as a grown woman, moment to moment. I am feeling a lot of need lately to let go of things and people and associations from my childhood and move the f*ck on.
It's amazing, all the levels of unconscious 'stuff' I have carried over from my childhood. Most of it centered around being a victim to somebody, somehow.

We keep ourselves and each other in place sometimes with what we think we know about a person. Well, sometimes that person changes, moves on, and you blink and miss it, under all the assumptions you have about them. That's particularly true of our closest relationships sometimes, which can be particularly difficult to drop.
I know I assume a bunch of things about her, too, that are probably total fiction.

I hope I didn't hurt her with my feeling the need to be truthful with her about some of those assumptions she has about me, but I can't keep on walking on eggshells in case I hurt her, not telling her who I am becoming, or who I have stopped being. She has to step up and take responsibility for that too now. That's the only way she can grow, and I give that power back to her, and I take my own back.

Each of us is only a free being. When we close our eyes at night, there is nobody else in there with us behind the lids, despite how it feels sometimes. Not even our mothers.

Raccoon

Had a nice weekend at 'home'. I was cat sitting. Robert's been visiting his brother in St Louis and gets back today.
Friday night I went out with some friends, then on Saturday, I had a huge headache all day, and didn't feel like doing anything more than watching movies. I think I needed the rest. I spent time with Shara on the couch. No, it wasn't a hangover.
Watched David Lynch's film Nadja. Imagine Eraserhead and Inland Empire, only it's about vampires. In black and white, with lots of pixellation, Peter Fonda, and a Portishead soundtrack. I love DL..

Yesterday I managed to get off my butt, and went down town on the bus, it was a lovely sunny day, and I spent it on the waterfront and Pike Place Market, enjoying the seagulls and coffee. I love downtown Seattle on a sunny day. I almost got on the ferry again to Bainbridge, but I did that recently, so I just stayed in Seattle, instead.

Last night I went to get something from my apartment, and on the way back to Robert's, I 'asked' the raccoons if I could see them. We have them in the neighbourhood, and I probably only get to see them about twice a year, if that. They're not that intrusive, unlike some of them I've heard about.
So this morning, there was a raccoon on my bus stop! I thought it was a cat until I saw her mask. She had no tail, and was busy bumbling about in the garden opposite, and then crossed the street right by me! I was watching her for about 5 minutes or so.

Raccoon medicine. Interesting... That's what this process feels like, revealing as a lie, the mask of false 'me' I have always believed in.

Glaucoma

Robert is in St Louis this weekend for his brother's 50th. I was wishing I had gone too, until he called and said he was stuck in Seattle on the tarmac for hours and hours this morning... Still, I get the cat and house and hot tub all to myself until Monday. Except that I don't, I have friends birthdays to celebrate.

My cousin got me on chat a few days ago, and told me his dad has advanced glaucoma, which came on really suddenly over just a few months, and he is losing his eyesight. One eye is already too far gone to save, apparently, but the other is probably going to be ok. He's 47. Same age as Robert. He's had to give up his job, everything, and is pretty freaked out by it all. No doubt. My cousin is in Australia at the moment, too. We're both so far from home, we do worry about our parents...
My gran on the other side of the family had glaucoma too, which doubles my chances, as it's hereditary.

I need new glasses anyhow, I haven't had new a pair since I left England 9 years ago, when I could get them for free. Mine have one arm, and one nose thing, and perch a little crooked on my face when I watch tv. And I can't lean forward or they fall off. So I'm searching for an eye doctor.
I'll probably have to have a glaucoma test every few years. I don't know anything about it, I'm going to have to do some research.

I am excited, Richard Stanley's movie Hardware is finally out on dvd on the 13th of this month. Been waiting a long time to see that movie, as I could only find it on vhs before now, and we haven't had a vhs player for years. I stuck it right at the top of my list. Carl McCoy, Iggy and Lemmy in the same movie? Can you blame me? I am such a nerd sometimes.

Fish stick

I always wished I had had the physical touch of Adi Da, there’s something about the nature of physical touch that is so healing and soothing. I only ever had that with Him sometimes in dreams, where I would wake up after He had been holding me, or dancing with me, or several where I was walking with Him, my arm through his arm. I am realizing that I am a feeling-being, and that physical touch is so important!
It cuts through so much, so instantly.

I have been receiving a lot of hugs and touch lately from several close friends, and can feel that love is really starting to grow in a way I haven’t allowed myself to feel before now. 5 of us were all squished up cozily in a booth at the Triple Door last night, to see Tina Dico, and it really made me think about that. I was in the middle, and was feeling so happy there, all warm and safe.
I’m starting to feel how completely frozen and lifeless I have been, living my life like a fish-stick in a box in the freezer… I have literally let fear freeze me!
I am coming back to life, thawing out with the warmth of Love.

Mindlessness

I spent about 5 hours last night in near-total mindlessness, I let go. When there aren't any words, there is just feeling, and that feeling turns into love.

I have the most amazing loved-ones. Good Company is people who support me in that, and don't bring their complications, but just also rest in feeling, not mind.

I have been so afraid sometimes to let go of mind, believing that's all there is. But what else have Buddhists, Hindus, Mystics of all persuasions always encouraged? There is good reason for that. Mind brings complication, doubt, fear, jealousy, anger, sadness. Without it, there is just feeling, and feeling can be released into blissfulness and love, and a much truer intelligence. The heart has it's own intelligence that is much more necessary than anything mind could ever come up with. The Tao just flows, in that place, and mind is not needed.

The more 'I' get out of the way, the simpler and happier life is becoming.

Neti Neti

My dad, bless, has never been near a computer in his entire life... (But give him a box of bits of metal, and he can build an entire motorcycle out of it in a week.) The way he talks about them you'd think they were Alien technology ala Torchwood or something. We were just talking on the phone, and he was saying how he had a really great book he loaned out to a friend who lost it, and hasn't been able to find another copy since, and so.. Amazon one-click, while he was talking... I will mail it to him when it arrives. :-)

Had a fantastic weekend. Robert and I took a really long bike ride on Saturday, and although I have a bruised butt, my legs actually survived it. They felt a bit like jello when I got off the bike though. I might do it again some time soon. I will need gloves, that's for sure. Even in the sunshine it was cold this weekend on the hands.

Shara is looking very sore in the legs at the moment, which was really sad to see. Even just this week, her legs look worse. She hobbles now, like my grandmother used to, despite the meds we have her on. She's been very snuggly lately, which was nice. I even woke up on Sunday morning with her face right near mine, she was purring, looking at me. I love that. She's not usually that much in my face, she likes a little more personal space than some cats. Not Sunday. Maybe it was a body heat thing.

I think I finally got to a place on Saturday afternoon, where I came to realize how I have to actually forgive myself for all the things I think I need other people to forgive me for. They probably don't care any more about most of it anyway. Most of them have probably even forgotten. All except me.
I have always suffered having a guilty conscience about life, breathing, being born, you name it, I will find a reason why it's my fault. And I have literally carried that guilt around like a weight for 37 years. I actually swear I felt the weight lift on Saturday, it was tangible. I realized I have literally been ridden by guilt my entire life. That's not just a figure of speech, I don't think, is it? "Guilt-ridden". So, I put that sucker down. I feel better.

Every time that guilt has come to mind and feeling since Saturday, I've just managed to forgive myself for whatever it was, and move on. I am no longer going to give myself such a hard time about things, life can be hard enough sometimes, all by itself.
Wish I'd made that discovery 20 years ago. Better late than never.

Neti, neti.

Intimacy

I haven't written much here lately, and here's why.

Honestly, I have been feeling pretty vulnerable and fragile with all this change in my life, and recently have received some comments that I would ideally like to think were well intentioned, but a little too much 'brutal honesty' for the place I'm in at the moment. I don't consider such 'honesty' to be all that appropriate or useful, frankly., since it comes from an anonymous somebody. It's easy to give that kind of comment and take on my life from a distance, isn't it, with no thought for how it's received by the person on the end of it.
Would you really be that 'honest' with your friends in person? Probably not. That's what I don't like about the net. We've all become too anonymous, too detached, hidden, behind screen names, exchanging a few brief words with people across the other side of the planet, and there's not much real intimacy in it. But perhaps on one level you could say by being here on the net, I set myself up. Maybe.
I am capable of receiving criticism if it's done right, and believe me, I have received plenty of that other kind lately too!

So, I did what I have hardly ever done on this blog in 5 years, and deleted them. I have no need to explain or justify myself to an anonymous stranger. It's not what I need. If I can also be honest here, it's fucking abusive. Friend, you too, have a lot to learn, it seems.

It's easy to project things about me from the few words you see on a screen.

Moving on...

I have a gathering planned tonight with some close women-friends, and I haven't written much about that here either, but my life over the last few months has been pretty extraordinary, (and there's the irony, considering the comments I got). I think they were a kind of confirmation that I have indeed moved on. Sometimes you need a yardstick, don't you? So perhaps I should thank my commenter for that.

I know friends and family overseas read my blog, I get emails, even if I don't get comments here, and I have been feeling a little sad that lately I haven't felt like I could share much with you all, without fear of such commenters. And it's for you I write this, not the anonymous bypassers.
I know it's up to me, and I need to not be scared of that, but lately I have been feeling to open, too fragile, and I did let it affect me, where previously I might not have, and could easily have blown it off. Trouble is, when you start to open up all those years of shut down feelings, you can't decide which ones to feel and which not to feel, so they all are pretty much on the surface at the moment.

What's become clear this last week or 2 is that I have always put on this face of bravado, a very idealised self-image, of "I'm OK" when really I haven't been ok at all, and it's just an act. I am suddenly understanding that scene in Adi Da's play The Mummery, where Evelyn sticks his foot up in the air, and tattooed on the bottom of it, is "I'm OK!" Wow.. Who knew. Adi Da did, obviously.
That scene was one that always mystified me particularly, (that should have been a big clue!), it seemed so absurd and equivocal. Not any more! All that fake bravado and image I project is a defence against feeling the chaos and wound of what life really is. Well, I can't do that any more. So I have a thin skin, after shedding that one just last week.

Send me an email, and I'll tell you how I am. I am coming through the other side of this one, but still feeling a little tender in a few places.
I guess them that need to know, know. My loves know where to find me elsewhere on line, and your love has been much appreciated.

Don't worry, I will soon be back to my old self, or possibly even my new self, and genuinely not giving a sh*t this time time around. ;-)

Salsa

It's amazing what I am getting done now I have no TV service, and time by myself in the evenings! I think I will skip giving Comcast a call, and save myself some money and couch-potatoness. I much prefer just having Netflix. Like making fresh salsa from scratch.

I was told by my step-step son at the weekend, that salsa is fried in a pan for a minute or 2, and if it's not, it's pico de gallo. Who knew? Anyway, it's good, fresh tomatoes and jalapenos from our garden.
We had a really great weekend up in Vancouver with the step-step kids and P's awesome dogs. Had a sweet raccoon encounter, too.






























And yes, that is a dog on the motorcycle. Wearing pink Doggles.




I am also in the middle of a novel I can't put down, which is unusual for me, I hardly ever read novels, I'm usually non-fiction all the way. Isabelle Allende's Eva Luna. It's even taken precedence over 2 other great books that are non-fiction. I think I am just enjoying switching the brain off for an hour or so.

Can't believe I've been in my apartment for a whole month now. I got the keys on Aug 29th. Soon, I will have artwork. And proper grown-up expensive artwork, framed, and not just a poster tacked on the wall. Robert very kindly gave me Adi Da's 'A Horse In the Wild', and paid for a nice frame for it, too. My walls still look a little bare, but I kind of like the uncluttered 'modern' thing.

Anyway, here is some more interesting reading for you today, over at my beloved friend Paul's blog, Avalonian Aeon. A definite alternative and personal take on some interesting WW2 history, and a fascinating read. He's a far more interesting blogger than I have been lately. I suggest you get over there.

Vaccines

Here is a website sent to me by a nurse friend of mine, all about vaccines.

Thinktwice.com

Idealistic

I have nothing to really write about today that I want to share in public, except that I am digesting a somewhat painful realization about myself that occurred last night, that is all about how my self-image is totally idealistic, and not based on the reality of what I demonstrate in my life.
I think as a kid, I just didn't want to feel that vulnerable or ordinary, so made up a story about who I am, based on my good intentions, and then believed it for most of my life.
It's embarrassing really, especially as everybody else in my life probably never believed it anyhow. Now that I see it, it's pretty transparent.

Movies

Mmm. Netflix is dangerous. One thing, "Buckminster Fuller: The Lost Interviews. View similar movies, March of the Penguins." Um, yeah.
Lots of great things on there to watch, including all the Mick Jagger movies, Ram Dass, the 'Rome' series, a previously unknown to me David Lynch vampire movie, RAW's Maybe Logic, all kinds of interesting stuff. I am taking suggestions, too. It's going to be a fun winter by the TV!

I love having the time and scope to find what I really want to watch, rather than staring blankly at the wall of mainstream crap in front of me in my local Hollywood Video.

Had a lovely evening last night with 2 of my awesome women friends, eating dinner and watching Johnny Depp in the Libertine. Great movie.

Spare Time

I made some fresh salsa last night from our tomatoes and jalapenos, some onion and cilantro and a piece of my finger. It's pretty good! I think we only grew one pepper this year, one little jalapeno. Cutting up chilis and tomatoes with a cut on your finger is fun. I used my nice new sharp shiny wide blade knife. Sharp knives are so satisfying. I hate to admit that's probably the first real piece of 'cooking' I've done in the new place. I have been eating out or at Robert's or eating soup, I think. I need to be a little less lazy about that.
I made enough salsa for both houses, and to freeze, and I'm nowhere near through all the tomatoes. We do have twice the freezer space this year, which is great!

I have 2 new addictions, Robin Hood, and True Blood. I got disc 1 season 1 of True Blood watched last night. Might have to upgrade my Netflix so I can have 2 out at once. Thankfully Robin Hood is on TV and set to record, so I have been watching that at Robert's when I feed Shara in the evenings. It's great, but I think I prefer the older 80's version, Robin of Sherwood with all the Clannad music and Michael Praed, with his spooky and awesome visions of Herne, and totally blatant Paganism. (Who apparently narrated 'The Real Bonnie and Clyde' that we saw on TV just recently!) I can't believe that was out 23 years ago now. It's going to be a while before I can watch the next episodes, we're out on Friday night, and away in Vancouver at the weekend.

I'm reading a really interesting book right now, too, Graceful Exits, about the deaths of great Spiritual Masters from several traditions, Zen, Tibetan Buddhism, Hinduism, that's a really fascinating read! I am enjoying having the time now to do all these things, that's one good thing about living by yourself that I forgot all about! I can stay up too late and watch Vampires. :-)

Futon

I spent a large part of my evening last night wrestling with a pile of unidentifiable planks of wood, a pile of screws and an allen key, and made a futon out of it all somehow. Not the clearest instructions ever. Please see diagram B on page 4 for what to do on page 1, etc. I gave up on the instructions, and ended up winging it, but what I have looks and functions like a futon base, and that's good enough for me.

Didn't even have time to watch my netflix movie last night! But I slept well. :-)

The next project is to turn that big bag of tomatoes and jalapenos from our garden into some nice fresh home made salsa, and fill up the freezer with it for winter.

Seaside weekend

Had a great weekend with a few of the women from work. We went up to LaConner on Friday night from work, and stayed in a small cabin, right by the ocean, and ate far too much, watched a few movies, and took walks on the beach with 2 of my 3 favourite greyhounds.
I didn't take a camera, but maybe I will get a photo from one of the other ladies that went.

Drove back yesterday afternoon with my Sister-friend via Chuckanut Drive, which is a really lovely scenic twisty turning road through the trees along the coast, really beautiful on a nice clear sunny early fall day! The dogs spent the entire drive with noses out of the window, and smiles on their faces.

I spent the rest of yesterday with Robert and the cat, which was nice. We took a long walk around the lake, which I appreciated, as I didn't get off my butt much on Friday or Saturday! Shara slept on my pillow all night last night, purring manically.

My new futon arrived on Saturday, I have to put it together later, which will be fun. I am happy to have a new bed, as I've been sleeping on a thin piece of foam on the floor these last few weeks, and I haven't managed a really good night's sleep in a while now. I think I will be out like a light tonight!

Vets Visit

I got a call at 8.30 last night from Robert, Shara needed an emergency run to the vets, so we drove up to the 24 hour vets in Lynnwood, and took our poor kitty on a road trip. She was a good girl, and spent the 20 minute trip having a chin rub. I think that's probably the longest car ride she's ever had to do. She only complained once or twice the whole way.

Robert came home and found she'd been peeing blood! He was a little freaked out by that, and so was I! She was fine when I fed her earlier in the evening, I cleaned her tray and didn't notice anything unusual. He had come home and found she'd peed on the carpet in several places, which she NEVER does, and there was blood in it.

Anyway, she has a urinary infection, which is treatable. I was scared it was something more major, like kidneys.

So now I have to try to pill my cat for a week or 2. That won't be easy. She's on antibiotics, and we get the test results back in a day. She had an X-ray, and thankfully she doesn't have stones anywhere. Apparently cats can get stones in their bladders.

Taking Responsibility

This is part of the reply I sent to the email I got from my friend, calling me out on my self-pity and a whole bunch of other shit. I am feeling like I was really moved through something on Sunday, and I have been a lot happier, and have been feeling a lot more equilibrium in the last few days. I am also feeling a much deeper call to real practice. One of the things he called me on, was my understanding of what it requires to really do what real spiritual practice requires. I have read enough, been in the company of enough Masters and Gurus, to see what it requires, and just wasn't ready to really take that on. It's time to get serious about things, and really embrace the phenomenal gifts and Grace I have been given in this lifetime.

I have been incredibly blessed these last 8 months to be spending a lot of time with a very amazing friend, who is very clearly one of Adi Da's 'Agents', and lives every moment as love.
This crisis and intensification of ego I've been in recently has been no 'coincidence'.
Since Adi Da's passing, so much has been released, so much has changed and deepened, and I am feeling total awe for the gifts that our Master gave us.
***

I think the first thing that happened to shift things around for me was the realization that I have lived a life of constant apology. I have apologized for even being alive sometimes, like my whole life was a mistake I should have made more effort to avoid somehow, and then frustration that I couldn’t help being born.
So, whatever is written in this email isn’t written in that spirit of being constantly ‘apologetic’ or from the sense of being the existential victim somehow. I have indeed always felt like I was a victim, and felt like I didn’t ask to be born to parents who didn’t plan for me! I have always known since early childhood that I was a 'mistake'. The realization of this changed that, and I have nothing to apologize for in that sense. I am done feeling the dilemma of my own existence and apologizing for it.

I can see and feel that my sense of hurt and sadness and anger ... is all just ‘case’ and there to be transcended in the moment, and I feel that I have been given the means to practice with that when it arises. All that shit is still there, but somehow it doesn’t matter any more, it just feels like a shadow at the moment, and it’s become easier to just shift into another place with it, and remember that I am not that.I am thinking about Adi Da’s talk about [spiritual practice being like] punching your way out of a paper bag. It is only paper thin, and Grace hands me scissors to use instead, when I turn my attention there.

I have also been feeling that I have let my practice slip, not assuming any responsibility for it. Particularly since Adi Da’s passing, I have taken a lot for granted and been very lazy, letting myself off the hook, creating a lot of excuses. I have been feeling into this, and seeing this pattern relative to a lot of things in my life, including my relationship with Robert.

Inward

I am feeling silent and inward today. Absorbing, digesting, processing, healing.

Overboard

I had a nice relaxing, healing weekend. I spent Friday night with 2 of my girlfriends, ate too much sushi, then went to Robert's later in the evening to stay the night. That was nice, caught up on some time with the kitty for snuggles, too. She spent the whole night on my pillow, purring. I even got a kiss on the face from her on Saturday, and she hardly ever does that.

I bought a new bed! A futon. I have been sleeping on a small foam mattress on the floor at the new place, and I can't wait to have a proper bed again. I'm away on Friday camping (well, it's a cabin, not a tent), with some of the ladies from work for the weekend, so Robert is helping with the bed. Our friend G is picking it up with his truck next Saturday.

I spent Saturday evening at the house with the cat. Robert was out with friends, so I watched a bunch of things I had recorded, and also sorted through some things I need to throw out. That felt good. Mentally, as well as physically.

Sunday, I took a ferry to Bainbridge Island which is always fun. I needed to get the hell out of town, and onto the water, and there's a bus goes past my house straight to the ferry terminal, it couldn't be easier. It takes about 1 1/2 hrs from my door to my favourite cafe in Winslow, near the ferry terminal on Bainbridge. I spent the afternoon shopping, though I didn't buy anything, it was still nice to get away, on the water, away from the psyche and energy of Seattle. I love ferry rides. The weather was perfect, the seagulls were following the ferry. I got back in time to have dinner last night with Robert which was nice. We are really appreciating each other more now, and he is really growing, I can see change happening in him every time I see him now. It's amazing. I can feel how our relationship has kept us both from growing. We've been such a consolation to each other all these years. And such a distraction from any kind of real spiritual practice.

I let go on the ferry ride home, of a lot of the sadness and anger I've been stuck in lately. A lot of that self-pity that my friend mentioned in the email a few days ago. I really got to see a lot about what I get up to as an ego. I am not that. I am more than that. I feel like my first AA meeting breakthrough happened. I am an addict, addicted to self-pity and feeling victimized. Well, I quit on Sunday. 1 day clean so far.

As my friend B likes to say about ego, "the pig was squealing". I threw her overboard, and I hope she can't swim. Should've tied a brick to her ankles.

Control

I'm realizing that nothing is controllable, and it's only ever an illusion that we think we can control it. All my life I have been trying to control the supposed chaos, make life something predictable, safe, nurturing for me. Or put on that brave and invulnerable face, acted tough. I haven't done very well.
There has at times been a lot of chaos in my life, illness, poverty, grief, loss, relationship break-ups, etc. This last 9 years have been very stable, relatively good health, stable marriage, steady job, good friends, and I realize how lucky I've been that chaos hasn't erupted before now.

I always had that sense of fear though, like I'm walking along the sidewalk, and sort of waiting for the banana skin to slip on, and have had a feeling of 'getting away with it'. Like life can't possibly be this calm and certain and secure, in reality. Perhaps that's a sense of guilt, that I have had it so good, when all around me the world is collapsing into chaos and degradation, pain and fear, poverty, etc.

Well, there's only really one way to go, isn't there? Surrender. There is nothing I can control. I just need to feel my own smallness, vulnerability, the possibility of immediate danger, uncertainty, etc. And then to remember that I have been taken care of, loved, and that there is much Grace in my life, too.

I have been very tearful all week, and yesterday my manager had to take me out for a walk around the block. I couldn't stop crying, feeling like I've lost my husband, home, cat, etc. Silly really, all because I now live by myself again. Robert is still there, he still loves me, we're still married, the cat still meows when I walk in the door. There are worse things that could happen to me, than feeling the weight and demand that this last 2 weeks has brought.

One of my beloveds wrote me an intense and honest email yesterday about being stuck in self-pity. That was a harsh reality check. I felt angry, unloved, hurt, all the usual emotions of insult, and feeling misunderstood, not listened to. Then the realization occurred that I am not and never have been, in control. None of us are. And that the one who has all that self-pity is my mother! Bless, she's been stuck in that for years and years now! All I am being asked to do, is not to walk in her shoes.

And all that unhappiness is mostly because I have been trying to control uncontrollable things.

Surprise

I had a really fun night out last night with some of the women from work, one of them is getting married in a few weeks, so we surprised her last night. She thought she was having dinner with me and my manager, and we all showed up, about 15 of us. :-)

Am going through it a bit today, I have a lot of reality to face up to and let go of, and it isn't pretty. But I'm still breathing. There's really not much you can ever be in control of in life, is there?
Just when I thought I was over the hump of the recent round of craziness, too. Apparently not.

Mercury Retrograde

Had a nice weekend, which was more than welcome after the stress of this last week. I had some of my women friends round on Friday night which was great, and I spent the Saturday at home with the cat. Robert went to Bumbershoot with a friend on Sunday, and they got back about 10. I stayed there the night, which was really nice. I had missed home a lot. Yesterday we spent some time together, just hung out, did some grocery shopping, etc. then went to a potluck over in Bothell with some friends.

It was a nice 'normal' weekend, I really needed that, this last week has been pretty hard. It was great to just relax at home again, and realize that it is still there. The cat spent the night on my pillow when I stayed over. I missed her so badly last week.

Saturday I lost my filling in a piece of soft harvati cheese.. HHmmph.. It just sucked it right out!
Not happy about that, I hate going to the dentist. I'm off to get it fixed in about 10 minutes. Mercury went retrograde yesterday until the 29th. Aren't fillings made with mercury? I have to have my filling redone, I should have seen that coming! It's been loose for a while now.
Also, my water was switched off at the apartment this morning, I guess my landlady must have forgotten to alert the water company. Thankfully, I obeyed my intuition, and got up 10 mins earlier than normal, so had time to run round and take a shower at Robert's! I forgot my watch though, when I ran out of the door in a panic...

And got to work, only to find our entire voicemail system was on the fritz. Here we go...

Chick Flick

We got my TV all set up last night. Robert brought round some weird French movie for me to put in the dvd player which I watched. One of those movies you're not quite sure why you're watching it, but you continue anyway.. I can't even remember what it was called. I think I liked it, by the time I got to the end of it, I wasn't sure. He loved it, but we have very different tastes in movies sometimes.
Some potato-head average guy falls for a totally beautiful woman, and you know the outcome. He gets the girl after a struggle, and eventually they're all happy. It was sort of sweet though.
I'm not much of a fan of happy-ending chick-flicks, but it kept me out of trouble for the night! Would rather have broken my new TV in on something a little more up my street, like Apocalypse Now, or Blue Velvet, or Kenneth Anger's Pleasure Dome, but perhaps a happy romantic outcome is a good thing to invoke in my life at the moment!! ;-)

I have a bunch of ladies coming round tonight, which will be nice. If I can find them all somewhere to sit! Still don't have much in the way of seating for people. 2 couches, one chair and an ottoman.

And I am sooooo ready for a 3 day weekend!! I am exhausted. Hopefully Monday we'll be at the beach with some friends if we can all agree upon a time and place.